Mixed Emotions

11/8/2010

I really am having a tough time dealing with this cancer and everything that was discussed today with Katherine and Dr. Grubbs. I have this heaviness over me - I'm typically an upbeat, outgoing person - but not lately.

I was fully expecting to have a date set for surgery, but because the results from the Stroboscopy (check my vocal cords) revealed a "Paretic" right vocal cord (partial paralysis) I am now at a higher risk.

I am so thankful that we have a GOD who made our bodies to do some interesting things... like having the left vocal cord take up the slack of the partially paralyzed right vocal cord... resulting in A symptomatic results... meaning: I sound NORMAL!

.

Things that I have in my favor:

GOD - Stage 1 cancer - I'm young - the cancer is slow growing - it tends to behave itself and not spread - Synthroid is a cancer suppressor - really great caring doctors at MDA - and GOD!

Things against me:

The fact that it came back - Radioactive Iodine does not work on me nor will it ever - a partially paralyzed vocal cord - cancer cells on or around the working left vocal cord.

Now this may not seem like a big deal to the normal cancer patient, thankfully it is of great concern with Dr. Grubbs.

Had there been no complications with my right vocal cord the surgery would be taking place very soon.

She is a great surgeon and I trust that God has put her in my path to help deal with this mess, but she realizes the risks are too great to just pop my neck open like a Pez dispenser and take the cancer out.

The reason for the wait/delay

Partial paralyzed right vocal cord - cancer on or extremely close to the left (healthy) vocal cord. IF there is a slight nick or cut or worse to the left vocal cord then the results could be life altering. Problems breathing, eating, swallowing, and the hardest part I'm dealing with not being able to talk properly - I would more than likely have a Tracheotomy. (worse case scenario)

Again, reading it doesn't sound like such a big deal to some people... but it really is.

I came home from my appointment and slept for 2 1/2hours.

Singing While It Rains

11/7/2010

A very short/long day.

We arrived on time, but the appointment was delayed an hour and half. Thankful for my Angry Bird app on my phone. I laugh at myself with this game. Addicting it is!

As I hear my name called I begin to think about what Dr. Lewin will find on my vocal cords.

We walk in this small room and I'm asking what's about to happen and the PA starts to explain and asks me to read this "Rainbow" story. I sound great, but apparently that's typical. Thankful that just this past Monday I was cleared for any breast cancer... and the possibility of having two different types of cancer was wearing on me.

So we were both relieved to say the least... everyone at this place has been amazing!

Undiagnosed Department

Oct. 22nd &25th

I was at MDA today, in the Undiagnosed Breast Center. Lots of talking and asking questions, then off to the Mammogram Room!

This is never the fun part - I was so ready to get the results from it though.

Results revealed there is a dense mass on my left breast.

Ultrasound revealed NO BREAST CANCER! YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday - Vocal Cord Check!!!

The God Of All Comfort

10/7/10

What I was hoping would be a final update… is the beginning of ACT II

After two long days at MDA I’m emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. I have been poked and prodded, with blood drawn, IV’s in my arm, my chest and head x-rayed and scanned, and my neck biopsied. What more could a girl ask for on her first date with the world’s greatest medical center!

I laugh because who wants to cry and I tell the story like this because it’s good and a great reminder of just how real and close our GOD is in this world, and that He still speaks to us individually and so very personally. (And why wouldn’t he… He knit me together in my mother’s womb)

When I found out I was going to have to go to MDA because my recent body scan didn’t show the results my doctor was hoping for I specifically recall telling people that I don’t need prayer for healing, and then I felt bad about this crazy request. My thought was… If you want to pray for me then pray what I’m asking for and that is “Just pray the Lord would reveal this new purpose and plan for my life and through this I would give Him the glory”

I believe the Lord gives you answers long before you ask the question “why?” And as the journey continues the question is then revealed. (This is just how it works for me; it could be very different for you.)

A few weeks ago I hear in my head a whisper of a voice “I healed you the day you gave your life to me” “what you’re going through now is just part of your journey with me”

Now I know why the Lord placed on my heart not to ask for healing… because it has been done, the healing happened 9 years ago and there was much rejoicing in Heaven at that time.

I then remembered a few scriptures that I read that really jumped off the page months ago… Acts 14: 22 (HCSB) "It is necessary to pass through many troubles on our way into the kingdom of God."
James 1: 12 (the Message version I love) 12 Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life.
2 Cor. 1:3 … and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Again God giving me HIS WORD with such perfect timing!
My first stop was the blood farm: (ha, just kidding)
Jackie took my blood and we talked about gardening and how she wished on a day like today she was working in her yard… I told her that right here in this chair with her kindness and good hands she was tilling the soil and harvesting plenty. She said “God bless you on your journey”

Elsie put the IV in and asked “where do you work” (as I almost fainted) I told her and she told me “I love to hear Dr. Young as I’m getting ready to go to my church on Sunday mornings”

Ansi held and stroked my hand as Dr. Wong pierced my neck with a needle for the biopsy and GOD made sure he got just enough cells so that 20 minutes later I wouldn’t have to endure that pain again.

Throughout yesterday and today I could see the damage done by cancer – it didn’t matter what type it was – it just was. You could tell the ones who knew their “higher power” they were the ones that radiated through lost hair and face masks.
In others I could hear anger and see death – God is still there and waiting on them you just know it! It was a long day but a good day.

My second date with MDA was spent talking with PA’s and the Doctors. Each one had a very real connection with me – God is so good at hand picking his hands and feet people. It can be a very overwhelming experiencing just knowing how close the Lord is with you in this process. How he never leaves your side… which brings me to Joshua 1:9 Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

With truth this bold and intentional; how is it we so easily forget?

Good news: each Dr. and PA, discussed in detail with us that there is still cancer, but that it's confined and explained why the RAI treatment was not a success. Cancer can be finicky. Thankfully the spots are big enough to be removed, which is good. The doctors will meet next Thursday to discuss options; Dr. Grubbs says surgery being the best option. No more Radioactive treatment for me – because it didn’t work!

I am thankful that the type of cancer I have is slow growing and very treatable. And now for the bad news.

Bad news: There were a couple of other things the scans revealed – spots on my lungs and a decent sized spot on my breast. They are not as concerned at these spots at the moment as they are with the papillary carcinoma. Sadly I am.

With all that said, they have to go over a few more scans/slides to determine the bad news portion, I will also have a mammogram scheduled in the next few weeks and have this scope procedure done to check out my vocal cords (apparently they are as fine as Angel Hair pasta) to see if there is or was any damage from the previous surgery.

I asked about a vocal cord transplant, something that would help me with my singing, you know just in case… we all laughed out loud.

How do you thank God for a hardship when it brings lots of sadness? You remind yourself of James 1:12 Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life. This makes me cry because I was such a mess and to know that I am loyally in love with God that my reward is more life is just to much to comprehend.

Thank you for letting me share this part of my journey with you and I want to thank each of you for your prayers and concern and I am asking God to bless each of you just as He has blessed me.

Not What They Expected

RAI didn't work as planned - hoped - prayed for.

I have now been recommended to MD Anderson. It is Sept. 13th, and I am now waiting on a call from MDA. Sigh. Heavy Sigh. Heavier Sigh.

To Kill Or Not To Kill - Day 1

At 1:45PM I was given a much higher dose of Radioactive Iodine, I'm happy to report, so far so good.
Story... How's this for GOD being in all things at ALL times.

I'm talking with the Nuclear medicine doctor while this small and VERY HEAVY container (see attached pics, that lid was heavy) has my name on it. And a piece of paper with all my levels etc. Right next to it a Styrofoam cup filled with water. The name and his look are very familiar. I continued with the questions like why the higher dosage than last time, why wasn't it higher originally, I know there is cancer why didn't the last dose catch it, will the body scan reveal where the cancer is in 10 days, is that enough time, will I have to do this all again etc. etc. etc.

Then I see it as he turned, a small cross on his shirt. Now mind you I'm about to take this Radioactive Iodine pill (a tiny bomb as they call it) and I could possibly have side effects so I said: "Do you go to Second Baptist Church?" YES, how'd you know? Your name, it sounds familiar, were you an AD... "No, but how'd you know I go to Second?" Because I work there and my husband is a Pastor there. "OH", Dr. Samuel Pak says.... I'm pretty active in the singles ministry... yada, yada, yada..... I know John Card. (I laughed)

Let me assure you Mrs. Goad, this dose is going to kill the cancer, I'm certain of that now. I have never seen anyone with your TSH levels so high walk in these doors, your body is so hungry for Iodine that it's going to work, I'm praying for it to. I pointed up and said HE is the reason why I walked through those doors and HE is the reason I will walk out and he nodded in agreement.

Well I will tell you this after that moment he was more open an honest with me than I knew he was to begin with... they have to be careful with what they say I get that. I was just thankful the Nuclear guy was on my side!
He then shook my hand, stood up, walked to the door and proceeded to instruct me to open the lid, pull out the pill bottle, and to please put it immediately in to my mouth and then swallow, make sure to drink all the water in the cup!

How's that for our new found friendship... I put a tiny bomb in my body and he just stands there and prays for the best! I didn't care I was just glad he knew the LORD. I then wait 15 minutes, the nurse comes in with this Radar gun to see how active I am and I'm active already! Nuclear medicine is AMAZING!!!

I'm home and resting and LORD willing the RAI will do exactly what it's supposed to... KILL the Cancer. I can already feel little burning sensations, what scares me is that they not just in the neck area, but again... burning means killing, right!

Cancer Update

(I've decided to post these previous cancer updates to my blog so that I don't have to answer so many repeated questions)

RAI Start date - 9/3/10

I'm excited to let y'all know I start my treatment tomorrow!! I was dreading that it might have to be next week. I'm totally and completely exhausted! Very different than last year. Also,I"m more at war with my will now than last year and this is the most exhausting thing I've dealt with. Ever.

My TSH levels when I"m doing well and on my meds are .02 this is a bit of a "hyperthyroid state" - my current TSH reading 142 SEVERE HYPOthyroid state! Crazy how I'm even up and walking around, medically most people wouldn't be, but I've got GOD on my side and again I'm at war with my will! These last few days my WILL has been winning. Also, I have to be on this LOW IODINE diet... this is so that once I take the treatment it will basically be "sucked up by the bits of cancer/thyroid that are left and be "Lord willing" destroyed!

My endocrinologist told me today that the RAI treatment would be stronger this time around. When I questioned why; "Because you still have Cancer"
I knew this was a possibility because my "cancer marker" was low but not low enough. And she stated it's higher because this time we are going to KILL it for good. (I really like this doctor!) Also, I will be isolated longer too, 7 days not the 5 days I originally thought.... ugh.

When my Nuclear medicine doctor called and asked if I was pregnant I said no but that I work with a pregnant woman he was very adamant about me staying away from her for 10 days and that after my body scan he would let me know if I"m clear to be around her.

I will keep you posted on the results of this as I get them.

I've been very blessed to have doctors who really care about the patient and their surroundings!

OH, after I heard the doc say "because you still have Cancer" I started feeling sorry for myself... so I headed to Macy's (not necessarily a cure all) I wanted to make sure I had a brand new Comforter set that I could replace on my bed for when all was said and done and this would be the one thing I wouldn't have to wash or disinfect, etc... anyway I tried to carry that thing out to the car. I couldn't and had to ask for help.

If you know me well enough I can do that kind of thing myself. Well the person that helped me I kept apologizing to and finally I told her my situation and she told me "that's ok, I understand I'm on Chemo now, and I get the exhaustion." I asked her what type of cancer she had "I have Breast Cancer and this is the first time"

My heart sank for her, but I was reminded that God's word says "Consider it joy when you face trials of many kinds.... " not have a pity party, immediately I know longer felt sorrow for me but had a thankful heart and I smiled and told "Marietta" I would be praying for her. She smiled and walked away.

That's it for now, I will either have Brad update you all or I will.

Last Year's Cancer - This Year's Fight

The saga begins...

Who knew listening to my friends plight from her Gyno doctor visit last June would make me question the little lump on my own throat.

It was kind of funny actually as she was explaining how her doctor looked at her throat and then felt her neck and said "you have a lump on your Thyroid, you'll want to call your regular doctor and get that checked out. After that I said "I'll let you feel mine if you let me feel yours!" We laughed a lot, and because we were talking during the worship time we suddenly had to be quite. (you had to be there)

I called my regular GP Monday afternoon, and was able to get an appointment that very next day. Dr. Maidenberg was pretty concerned so they scheduled an ultrasound that Thursday. Two weeks later I was at Methodist in a room with a doctor about to have a biopsy done on the nodules.

Several days later Dr. Roarks' office called and asked me to come in. They called back 5 minutes later and said "make sure you bring your husband."

At that moment I knew it was cancer - what form it was I had no idea. Only to find out it was Papillary Carcinoma. I knew Carcinoma was Cancer - I knew the word Papillary comes from the word Papillion which is butterfly - the Thyroid is shaped like a butterfly. Really my brain went that fast.

I think the doctor thought something was going to happen like I was going to pass out. Uh, you're speaking to a divorced woman... we don't pass out (at least I don't) we get it taken care of and move on - that's what you do as a single mom.

Big mistake - I was no longer a single mom. I was married now to an amazing man.

I now had to consider laying that burden back on someone else's lap. Didn't want to do that. So I gave it to God, and strangely He handed some stuff back, to hand over to Brad.

NO! I can do this myself, what can he do?!

I did, and he could, and there was irritation, and pouting... but I knew that GOD knew I could do this myself but that was beside the point as I had prayed for a husband (and was blessed with one) and he now needed to do his job and help me.

Fast forward a year later...............

I HATE this RAI treatment! I hate that it falls on the weekend when Kam is home from college, I can only see her in 2 minute increments! Can't have any human contact, nor animals either. Arggghhh!

My body scan is scheduled for Friday! Yeah! Praying no more cancer and that this higher does of RAI will kill everything (except me) in its path!

Unsolicited Advice

So many folks have or are about to lose their jobs. A friend called me and asked if I could help his friend out. After I emailed this acquaintance yesterday I thought it would make for a good short post.

"... I know you know change is good, it gets you out of your comfort zone, shakes and stirs you up a bit, kinda like a Martini. (I knew she was a heavy drinker, so I was trying to relate a bit) I know you're scared but change creates a dependence on something more than you. Something bigger than you and larger than life itself.

Not sure if you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, I do. He sees your future, what's ahead for you. He is your present, giving you the peace and comfort you desperately need, starting now, not this coming Friday."

Interesting right, the same is true for all of us.

At Day's End

Count Down Disabled (maybe)

I was doing this count down thing on Facebook (I still might) - In preparation of the inevitable RAI treatment come early September. It has not been as successful as I'd like it to be. Interesting thought to self: Why is it difficult trying to remember to update my profile status, but it's not as difficult to just log on.

I've decided to follow Kam's blog. (I think she said she was going to write everyday...) (or was that only when there was an adventure to be found) Anyway, reading her blog will take my mind off the upcoming treatment.

I'm so proud of her, she's a great writer and a crazy adventurous daughter! I'm going to miss her while she's in college.